Myths About Dying That Fuel Our Fears and How to Overcome Them

Part One: “Dying Is Always Painful”

This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to gently dismantling the myths about dying that cause unnecessary fear, anxiety, and avoidance. These myths are deeply woven into our culture, reinforced by media portrayals and whispered stories, yet rarely challenged by those who actually sit at the bedside.

As a Death Doula, I do exactly that.

A Note From the Bedside

As a Death Doula, I am present when a human is transitioning—and, ideally, long before that moment arrives. Often, though not always, there are family members and close friends hovering nearby, wrapped in love and concern for the star of the show.

Frequently, those present speak in hushed tones—talking over, through, around, and about the dying person. They rarely to them. I don’t recommend this.

My role as a Death Doula is to help bring a life to its close with peace, acceptance, and—if I’m lucky—understanding. Much like a birth doula assists in bringing new life into the world, a death doula assists in guiding a meaningful and supported transition out of it.

Viewed from that perspective, the role becomes far easier to understand—and far less macabre.

The Myth: Dying Is Always Painful

For many people, the greatest fear of death isn’t dying itself—it’s the belief that dying will be unbearable, agonizing, and filled with suffering.

This belief is widespread. It’s reinforced by movies, dramatic television scenes, and stories passed down through fear rather than fact. We rarely see the quiet deaths. We rarely hear about the peaceful ones. But the truth is quieter, gentler, and far more humane.

Dying is not always painful. In fact, for many people, it is not painful at all.

Pain Is Not Inevitable at the End of Life

Modern end-of-life care—particularly hospice and palliative care—is highly skilled at managing pain and discomfort. Pain is treated proactively, thoughtfully, and continuously adjusted based on the individual’s needs.

When pain does arise, it is usually:

• Pain is anticipated and managed proactively

• When there is pain detected, it can be addressed quickly

• Managed using a range of options, not just medication

Comfort is the priority. And pain is only one small part of the dying process.

The Body Knows How to Die

As death approaches, the body naturally begins to slow down. Appetite decreases, and sleep increases. Awareness often softens. Many people drift in and out of consciousness, spending more time resting than waking.

This biological slowing can be protective. It reduces the body’s ability to register discomfort in the same way it does when we are fully alert and active.

What often surprises families most is how peaceful this phase can be.

Discomfort Is Not the Same as Pain

Sometimes what loved ones witness—changes in breathing, restlessness, or unfamiliar sounds—looks distressing. But these signs do not necessarily indicate pain.

They are often:

• Part of the body’s natural shutdown

• Manageable with comfort measures

• More unsettling for observers than for the dying person

  
  

This is where guidance matters. With explanation and support, fear often dissolves.

Emotional Pain Is Often Mistaken for Physical Pain

When people speak of “pain” at the end of life, they are often describing something else entirely:

• Fear of the unknown

• Worry about loved ones

• Unfinished conversations

• Grief about leaving life behind

  
  

These are deeply human experiences—not physical agony—and they respond best to presence, reassurance, honesty, and love, not just medicine.

When Pain Exists, It Is Not Ignored

Another fear tied to this myth is the belief that suffering will be dismissed or simply “allowed.” That is not how end-of-life care works.

Pain management today is:

• Ethical

• Responsive

• Individualized

No one is expected to “tough it out.” Comfort is not a luxury—it is a right.

Why This Myth Persists

We are far more likely to hear stories of traumatic deaths than quiet ones. Peaceful deaths rarely make headlines or become dramatic anecdotes.

But those of us who sit at bedsides know this truth:

The end of life is often gentler than people imagine.

A Reassuring Truth

Dying is a process. It is not one moment, one sensation, or one experience.

And while every death is unique, suffering is not a requirement.

With the right support, the end of life can be calm, meaningful, and even tender.

Coming Next in This Series

In future posts, I’ll continue to address the myths that keep us fearful and disconnected from the reality of dying, including:

• “Hospice means giving up.”

• “Talking about death makes it happen.”

• “You have to be brave at the end.”

• “The dying person isn’t aware anymore.”

Death is not the enemy. Fear is.

And fear dissolves in the presence of understanding.